NOTICE OF RETURN
AnonymousAPO New York, NY 09133
Sinop, TurkeyNotice of solemn warning this _____ day of __________, 19_____ .
This notice is hereby given to the family, relatives, friends and lovers of ___________________ .
Very soon the above named person will be returning to the western world. You will find said person in a state of dehydration ( the water shortage did occur ), demoralization ( a West Point NCOIC of MPs ), confused ( "Why didn't I go to Canada?" ), and somewhat depraved ( what can you expect from a man without a woman for over a year? ). He will be coming back to again join the ranks of humanity and civilization from which he was so easily snatched. In making your joyous preparations to welcome him back to the rational world of no military, please take into consideration the crude environment to which he has been subjected for _____ days. In a word, he might be a little 'Asiatic", suffering from Sinop fever and a little too much Hill.
Due to the facts just given, we are suggesting a few things that should make it easier for you to help during the rehabilitation period. Do not, repeat do not make mention of his adventures in the Army, for they will only bring back painful memories and bad dreams for him. Do not be alarmed if every other word is foul, for remember, he has been around lifers with IQ's three points below that of a flat rock. Show as much love and understanding as you can. Do not be alarmed if he speaks three or four languages in one sentence. Show no alarm if he asks why you served him hot food or food that tastes good. If he seems a little afraid to talk to girls or women, do not worry. This is only due to the fact that he has not for over a year. Don't let it shock you if, when he answers the phone, he says merhaba instead of hello, or allasmarladik for good-bye.
For the first few months, until he is housebroken, be especially watchful when he is in the company of young beautiful females. He may have forgotten how to converse with them, but not what can be done with them. His intentions would be sincere and honest but would be dishonorable anyway. Do not take alarm if the police pull up to your house with him in the car looking puzzled and confused, for you see, he was only doing 60 MPH down Main Street, honking his horn and yelling profanity at the things or people that wouldn't get out of his way quick enough.
In a relatively short time you may be able to teach him English again, and the ticket won't cost too much. Remember also not to be shocked if he doesn't believe in the American Way anymore, and says to you that the President is a dope, for you shall know in your heart that he has found the world for what it is, and our country for what it is. Underneath the gaunt, sad and cold exterior, you will find a decent and beautiful person. Treasure this, as it is probably the only thing of value he has left. Treat him well, for it is rough to be kicked in the face every day he was in the Army and still be sane. He can still love.
Be sure to get the women, kids, dogs and normal pedestrians and drivers off the streets. He is heading west on Pan Am Flight _____ on the _____ day of __________ in the year of our Lord 19_____. He will be in New York the following day.
Lt. Col. Nutward
USASA ISNUTS
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